Make your own free website on Tripod.com
Welcome to Sierra's Smegginsults Page TWO!

From Polymorph

Oh, and, er, who's that, there? and old girlfriend, Mr Arnold, sir?-Kryten
Hardly.-Rimmer
Ah, no. Not really your type, I suppose -- silly old trout like that.-Kryten
She's my mother.-Rimmer
Oh! I am so sorry, sir!!!-Kryten
Just forget it.-Rimmer
Oh, how can I forget it, sir? I compared your mother to a foolish , aged, blubbery fish! I said she was a simple-minded, scaly old piscine! I estimated she was an ugly, lungless marine animal with galloping senility! A putrid amphibious gillbreather with (cries) with less brains than a mollusc!-Kryten

(Kryten goes to his knees and begins to try removing Lister's shorts. Rimmer enters, and sees the goings-on from behind Kryten. Still bouncing wildly) Please, I'm begging you! Get them off, man! Pull them down!-Lister
Well, I can't say I'm totally shocked... You'll bonk anything, won't you, Lister!-Rimmer

What about the Space Corps Directive which states, "It is our primary overriding duty to contact other life forms, exchange information, and, wherever possible, bring them home?"-Kryten
What about the Rimmer Directive which states, "Never tangle with anything that's got more teeth than the entire Osmond family?"-Rimmer

You either got it or you ain't. Boys, you ain't even close. -Cat

Stop your blithering, Kryten. Come on! Grab the Cat, and let's go!-Rimmer
Oh, screw you, hadron-head!-Kryten

(To Rimmer) Has anyone ever told you that you are a disgusting, pus-filled bubo who has all the wit, charm and self-possession of an Alsatian dog after a head-swap operation?-Kryten

From Body Swap

Last week when there was that lights failure in the engine room, your silhouette was caste onto the wall. I got the fright of my life. I thought it was Alfred Hitchcock.-Rimmer
...Are you sayin' I've got a gut?-Lister
You have got more gut that a Turkish butchers shop window...Have you ever in dissection class held up a frog by its head? (Demonstrating to Lister with hand movements.) You know the way its belly sort of sticks out above its spindly little legs? Well, that's the picture I see when you get down from the bunk in the morning. -Rimmer

Hey! what are you doin' dressed like that? Why do you want to look like Goalpost Head? Have you flipped? You want to model yourself on a man who has ears so large that they can pick up satellite TV? Why do you want to look like the smeg-head Rimmer for?!-Cat
Because... (poking Cat in the eye) ...I am that smeg head Rimmer.-Rimmer

Look at my stomach. Look at it! Pink gudgeon' stripes down me sides and you could float me over the super bowl.-Lister

I need your body.-Lister
Let me ask you one question. Would you let a garbage truck driver use your Rolls Royce?-Cat

I had to obey him. It's in my programming to obey all humans. No matter how insane.-Kryten

From Timeslides

Lovely service, Lister! You should have come -- most uplifting! (Seeing LISTER is very depressed) What's wrong with you? Ah, it's November! Nearly time for your bath!-Rimmer
...I'm sick of you and your silly green suits, I'm sick of your stupid flared nostrils. I'm sick of the way you always smile when you're being insulted.-Lister
(Close-up of RIMMER smiling, nostrils flared.)

(LISTER is standing beside Adolph Hitler as he makes his speech.) Ignore him! He's a complete and total nutter! And he's only got one testicle!-Lister
(He gives Hitler the finger, just as the short dictator Zeich-Hiels.) What's he doing now? He's scuffling with Adolf Hitler! You can't just stick one on the leader of the Third Reich!-Rimmer

(Spotting Kryten) Hey, what happened to him? His face -- it's grotesque, isn't it? Has he had an accident? He looks like he spent three weeks with his head jammed in a lift! It's totally shady!-Young Lister

I'm going in. I'm going in to rescue him.-Rimmer
Rescue him?-Holly
It's my duty. My duty as a complete and utter bastard!-Rimmer

You call this happiness? Surrounded by toadying lackeys and paid sycophants? Living with a love-goddess sex-bomb model megastar? You call this contentment? You know, I stand here now and I look at the two of us, and I ask one simple question: Who is the rich man? You, with your fifty-eight houses, your private island in the Bahamas, your multi-billion pound business empire; or me, with... with... with what, I've got. (Pause) It's you isn't it? Yes it's all very clear to me now. You -- richer and happier... I should have thought a bit harder about that speech, really. I cocked it up a bit, didn't I?-Rimmer

From The Last Day

(Reading the address) "To the lease holder of Kryten 2X4B 523P." That's your full name?-Lister
Yes, but personally I don't much like the 2X4B. I think it's a jerky middle name. Still, it could be worse. I once knew an android whose middle name was 2Q 4B. Poor sucker!-Kryten

Maybe I should talk to him. Maybe he needs a bit of counseling.-Rimmer
You?!-Lister
I used to be in the Samaritans.-Rimmer
I know. For one morning.-Lister
I couldn't take any more.-Rimmer
I don't blame you. You spoke to five people, and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!-Lister
Well, it's hardly my fault that everyone chose that morning to throw themselves off buildings! Made the papers, you know. "Lemming Sunday," they called it.-Rimmer

[Kryten] doesn't like doing anything! His idea of a good time is for us all to go up to the laundry room and fold some sheets! (Put's on a "Kryten Voice") Fun? Ah yes, the employment of time in a profitless and non-practical way.-Rimmer

Well, I'd have thought it was obvious. Two people, unable to contain their desires, had an illicit liason. A liason that an unforgiving society would not accept. And you were the fruit of their forbidden passion. You're forbidden passion fruit.-Rimmer
What are you saying?-Lister
I'm saying, Lister, that there's a very real possibility that your parents were brother and sister.-Rimmer

You would gamble your safety for a mere android? Is this the human value you call "friendship?"-Kryten
Don't give me the Star Trek crap. It's too early in the morning.-Lister

(Rimmer walks past the others and marches straight up to HUDZEN.) Alright, me laddo, party's over. I've had just about as much of this as I'm going to take. And it's no good standing there with your big macho chest and your silly oiled nipples -- it doesn't impress me one bit. Now I don't know where you've come from, and frankly I don't much care. But if you don't skedaddle pronto you're going to see a side of me you won't much like.-Rimmer
(To Cat) What's he gonna do, drop his trousers?-Lister

(Hudzen focuses on Rimmer. His eyes narrow. Hudzen's POV: We see a computer-enhanced view of RIMMER. Superimposed are the words:)
RIMMER. Hologram. Ex-human. VIABLE TARGET
(Next a view of Cat appears:)
CAT. Felis Sapiens. Non-human. VIABLE TARGET
(Finally, Lister.)
LISTER. Homo Sapiens. Barely human. WHAT THE HELL!

From Camille

(Rimmer is standing next to Starbug. Kryten enters as Rimmer checks his watch.) Ah, Kryten. At last. Glad you could make it this millennium.-Rimmer
Smeerrrrg!-Kryten
I beg your pardon?-Rimmer
Smerrrrg heeeeed!-Kryten
What?-Rimmer
You're a smeerrrrg heeeee... Oh, forget it!-Kryten

Sir, you're a smeeeee...-Kryten
A smee.-Rimmer
A smeee heeee...-Kryten
A smee hee.-Rimmer
A complete and total one.-Kryten

Please! I can't meet your shipmates. Trust me.-Camille
But you don't know them! You'll like them! Well, SOME of them. Well, ONE of them. Maybe. -Kryten

I'll tell you something. She's so like my sister-in-law Jannine, it's untrue.-Rimmer
(Amazed) Camille looks like your sister-in-law? What happened? Was she involved in some kind of horrific car accident?-Kryten
Who, Jannine? No, of course not; she was a model.-Rimmer
And she looked like Camille?-Kryten
Absolutely; the resemblance is uncanny.-Rimmer
What did she model? Spark plugs?-Kryten
I happen to think she's very attractive.-Rimmer
You do?-Kryten
Certainly.-Rimmer
Do you think I'M attractive?-Kryten
You? Of course not. I think you look like a giant half-chewed rubber-tipped pencil.-Rimmer

Well, I -- I think you look... really nice.-Kryten
Nice? She looks like something that dropped out of the Sphinx's nose!-Cat

I can't believe he's really going through with this.-Cat
Look, if Kryten wants to take an amorphous green blob for a discreet tete-a-tentacle, I say good luck to him.-Rimmer
(Sitting down) I mean, me too. I mean, we all react differently, don't we? When Steve McQueen met The Blob, he tried to kill it. It probably never crossed his mind to try and take it out to a restaurant.-Lister
I have a great idea. They should go to a sushi bar. At least that way, the food won't look better than his date!-Cat

I suppose you're gonna blame me for all of this, aren't you?-Lister
Yes, I am. Without your lessons -- without your bananas and your movies and your aardvarks -- none of this could have happened. You're a complete and total smeghead.-Kryten
Brutal, Kryten! You just insulted me!-Lister
Yes; I can lie, cheat, AND be offensive now.-Kryten

From DNA

Me? What's wrong with me?-Cat
You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of trouble, you only look after number one, you're vain, you're selfish, you're narcissistic and you're self-obsessed.-Rimmer
You've just listed all my best features.-Cat

(VO, dist.) We've found something, sir.-Kryten
Yeah?-Lister
(VO, dist.) I think it's one of the crew. A hideously malformed triple-headed skeleton with putrified flesh hanging from it. It fell through Rimmer as we opened the lift door.-Kryten
Is he all right?-Lister
(VO, dist.) I believe he's just discovered what shirt-tails are for.-Kryten
(VO, dist.) Alright, Kryten, you don't have to make me sound like a complete cowardly gimboid git. I'm fine now.-Rimmer
(VO, dist.) So, shall I cancel the order to find your mother?-Kryten

(To chicken) Listy... buck buck buck buck buck buck buck. (To the others) It's incredible. It really is him. Look, it's even got his little beer-gut.-Rimmer

My heavens. I am human.-Kryten
(There is a stunned silence)
Yeah, but you've lost your looks!-Cat

Ah, that's awful, man. When a woman screws you up so bad you want to become a squirrel.-Cat
It just made me think that a lot of the time, being human isn't much fun!-Lister
So, Lister, what are you telling us? You're a closet squirrel? Behind closed doors, you parade up and down with a strap-on bushy tail calling yourself "Nutkin?"-Rimmer

Oh, I can't get the hang of these human emotions. One moment I'm happy, the next I'm miserable. What's wrong with me? I'm up and down more often than a pair of kangeroos in the mating season.-Kryten

Holly, I'm only going to ask you this the once, and I want the truth: can you make this machine work without any mistakes?-Lister
Yeah. I know what I did wrong last time. It's a mistake any deranged, half-witted computer could've made. Look, I can do it. Give me a chance.-Holly
Look, Holly, that computer's virtually indestructible. There's only one way to beat it. (He sighs, then shrugs, resigned.) Turn me into a super-human. Man plus.-Lister
Are you totally insane? You're going to let that fruit-bat of a computer diddle with your DNA?-Rimmer
You got a better plan?-Lister
Maybe some Indian resteraunt music will mollify it. Or perhaps we can make a surrender flag out of flock wallpaper?-Rimmer

From Justice

(Reading) "Barbra Bellini." What a beautiful name. There's no justice. How could this happen to me? (Cat comes in.) Maybe I could wear a turban and pretend I'm from India.-Lister
Maybe you could stick a spike in your head and pretend you're the Taj Mahal.-Cat
Oh, it's you. Well, thanks for visiting me. Thanks a lot.-Lister
You know what you look like? You could go out double-dating with the Elephant Man, and he would be the looker.-Cat

(Smiles) Buddy, you've got a head like a watermelon. What are you going to do? Paint it with orange and black stripes and tell her you play quarterback with the Bengals?-Cat

Listy, what are you doing up? Shouldn't you be in the greenhouse with the rest of the cantaloupes?-Rimmer

Good news. The Justice Computer has sanctioned a re-trial. I think we have a very strong case. -Kryten
You do? -Rimmer
It's a question of differentiating between guilt and culpability, sir. What the mind-probe detected was your own sense of guilt about the accident. In a way, you tried and convicted yourself. I simply have to establish you're a neurotic, under-achieving emotional retard whose ambition far outstrips his miniscule abilities and who consequently blames himself for an accident for which he could not possibly have been responsible. -Kryten
You're going to try to prove that I was innocent of negligence on the grounds that I'm a half-witted incompetent? -Rimmer
Man, there ain't a jury in the land that won't buy a plea like that.-Cat
Not a half-wit, exactly -- more a buffoon.-Kryten
(Thinks about it. He's quite impressed.) Right, I see. But how would you even begin to build such a case? Where would you conjure up the evidence?-Rimmer
Sir, providing I can have completely free access to your personal data files, I think I can come up with the outline of a winning case by lunchtime.-Kryten

The mind-probe was created to detect guilt, yet in the case of Arnold Judas Rimmer the guilt it detected attaches to no crime. He held a position of little or no authority on Red Dwarf. He was a lowly grease-monkey, a nothing, a piece of sputum floating in the toilet bowl of life. Yet he could never come to terms with a lifetime of under- achievement. His absurdly inflated ego would never permit it. He's like the security guard on the front gate who considers himself head of the corporation. So, when the crew were wiped out by a nuclear accident, Arnold Rimmer accepted the blame: it was his ship, ergo his fault. I ask the court: look at this man. This man who sat and failed his astronavigation exam on no less than thirteen occasions. This sad man, this pathetic man, this joke of a man... -Kryten
(Discreetly) Kryten. You're going over the top. The computer will never buy it.-Rimmer
Trust me, sir. My whole case hinges on proving you're a dork. -Kryten

(Turns) I ask the court one key question: would the Space Corps have allowed this man (Poits at RIMMER) ever to be in a position where he might endanger the ship? A man so petty and small-minded he would while away his evenings sewing name labels on to his ship-issue condoms? A man of such awsome stupidity... -Kryten
Objection.-Rimmer
Objection overruled. -Justice
A man of such awsome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel. An over-zealous, trumped up little squirt...-Kryten
Objection.-Rimmer
Overruled.-Justice
An incompetent vending-machine repairman with a Napoleon complex, who commanded as much respect and affection from his fellow crew members as Long John Silver's parrot... -Kryten
Objection.-Rimmer
If you object to your own counsel once more, Mr Rimmer, you'll be in contempt. -Justice
Who would put this man, this joke of a man, a man who couldn't outwit a used tea bag, in a position of authority where he could wipe out an entire crew? Who? Only a yoghurt. This man is not guilty of manslaughter. He's only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime. It is also his punishment. Defence rests. -Kryten

From White Hole

Listen! Can anyone hear anything? -Kryten
(Pause. There is silence.) No. -Cat
Precisely. No one can hear anything! And you know WHY we can't hear anything?-Kryten
Why?-Rimmer
(In the Voice Of Doom) Because there are NO sounds to hear.-Kryten
Kryten, isn't it round about this time of year that your head goes back to the lab for re-tuning?-Rimmer

Holly, I haven't the slightest clue what you're drivelling about. -Rimmer
You're a total smeghead, aren't you Rimmer? Why are you so unable to grasp this extraordinarily simple premise?-Holly
What premise?-Rimmer
The premise that I am about to expire in just under two minutes. Understand, moose brain?-Holly

I'm sorry, Sir.-Kryten
Sorry? Why are you sorry?-Rimmer
Well, Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a hologrammatic crewmember must lay down his life in order that the living crewmembers might survive.-Kryten
Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance you metal bastard."-Rimmer

Come on, man, you gotta sacrifice your life! I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do!-Cat
YOU? You'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew? -Rimmer
No, I'd sacrifice YOUR life for the good of the crew.-Cat

Well, it's back to basics. We've got no heat, no light, no power; we can't get any food out of the dispensing machines; we're gonna have to scavenge for what we can find in the cargo decks. Without computers and technology, we're reduced to the level of primitives. All we've got is us guys, us and our own resourcefulness.-Lister
My God, it's worse than I thought!-Cat

(Sounding like a speed addict who's inhaled helium) I'm not speaking quickly. I'm speaking perfectly normally. It's you. You're speaking too slowly. It's like having a conversation with Paul Robeson on dope.-Rimmer

Well, I say we put it to the vote. On one hand, we have a computer, with an IQ in excess of twelve thousand, who has a total grasp of astrophysics. And on the other hand, we have Lister, who, and let's be fair to him, is a complete gimp. To whom do we entrust our lives, the safety of this vessel and the future of everything? If it's a tie, we go with Holly. What's your vote, Lister? -Rimmer
Well, I vote for Dave "Cinzano Bianco" Lister.-Lister
One-nil to Listypoos. I vote for Holly. Cat?-Rimmer
Well, I agree with you, buddy. But I'm voting for Doodoo Breath. The thing is, even though you're right, I could not bring myself to vote for someone with your dress sense. I couldn't put my cross next to the Bri-nylon party.-Cat

We will cease to be HERE, because none of this will have occurred. But we will exist back on Red Dwarf, before all this began. With, of course, no memory of these events, which, of course, never happened. And as these events never happened, we will have no memory of them. In which case, Mister Rimmer, Sir, I should like to take this opportunity of saying that you are the most obnoxious, trumped-up, farty little smeghead it has ever been my misfortune to encounter! -Kryten



If you have any particular insults that you would like to add to this list, send it (properly and accurately dictated) along with the episode title to Sierra "The Riviera" Rein, at: srein@ucla.edu

Do you want some more? Jeez, you're a tough crowd to please! Go to Sierra'sSmegginsults Page THREE!