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Ever have that need to tell your friend just what you really think of him or her? Then have no fear: take your cue from Da Boys from the Small Rouge One!Here is a complilation (still in progress) of all the amusing and hilarious insults that the crew from "Red Dwarf" have hurled at each other at every moment they could find. Enjoy!


From The End

(to Rimmer) It's true, you know, though, Rimmer. You rank below all four of those service robots. Even the one that's gone absolutely mad.-Lister

(to Lister) Lister, you've got the brain of a cheese sandwich.-Rimmer

OK. Just one thing before the disco, Holly tells me that he's sensed a non-human life form aboard.-Captain Hollister
Sir, it's Rimmer!-Lister

The bright side? What bright side? I'm dead, I'm composed entirely of light, and I'm alone in space with a man who'd lose a battle of wits with a stuffed iguana. Where's the bright side?-Rimmer

Rimmer, look, I know it's wrong of me to speak ill of the dead and all that, but you're still a smeghead.-Lister

From Future Echoes

Morning, Lister! How's life in hippie heaven, you pregnant baboon bellied space cookie? What's the plan for the day then? Slobbing in the morning, followed by slobbing in the afternoon, then a bit of a snooze before the main evening's slob? God, you're a disgrace to the species.-Rimmer

[This haircut] may look ridiculous to you, Lister, but I like it like this. It makes me feel like a man.-Rimmer
Yeah, and you'll probably get one, looking like that.-Lister

It may be a bit severe, a bit too green beret, but you are how you look, and I look (finally seeing himself in the mirror) like a complete and total tit! -Rimmer

Did you see anything really weird in that mirror?-Lister
(After staring blankly at it for a moment) Yes, you, you ugly goit.-Rimmer

Lister, have you been at that marijuana gin again?-Rimmer

What do you want this time? A hand with your homework? Or would you like me to sew little name tags in your PE kit?-Holly

How simple do you want this?-Holly
Ah, so Lister can understand it.-Rimmer
(Taken back) Oh dear.-Holly
It's difficult, I know.-Rimmer

From Balance of Power

Holly, why Rimmer's hologram? Why did you have to bring Rimmer's hologram back? He was the most unpopular man on board this ship. I mean, he even had to organise his own surprise birthday parties.-Lister

(Voice only) And who should I have brought back, then?-Holly
Anyone. Chen. Petersen. I mean, Hermann Goering would have been more of a laugh than Rimmer. I mean, OK, he was a drug-crazed transvestite, but at least we could have gone dancing!-Lister

What about Kristine Kochanski? You could have brought Kristine back.-Lister
In your entire life, your shared conversations with her totalled 173 words.-Holly So?-Lister
In terms of wordage, you actually had a better relationship with your rubber plant.-Holly

Good evening, you stupid, stinking, festering, gimboid of a cat.-Rimmer

You'll have to salute me, Rimmer! You'll have to call me "sir!" You'll have to give me Kochanski! And me cigarettes!-Lister
And on that day, Lister, Satan will be skating to work.-Rimmer

And whose ears are these, Holly? They're like two giant radar dishes stuck higgledy-piggledy to the side of my head. I mean, just look at them! Look at them! Whose were these ears, Holly? An African elephant's?-Rimmer
They're your ears, Arnold.-Holly

And Lister, what's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey! I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names. I want places. I want dates.-Rimmer
Arnold Rimmer. His locker. This morning.-Lister

You've got the brains of diarrhea and the breeding of a maggot.-Rimmer

You always become the thing you hate the most. Look at you, Lister. Obnoxious, ruthless, single-minded, insensitive. You're more like me than I am.-Rimmer

From Waiting For God

What is it?-Rimmer
I don't know.-Holly
Well, you'd better find out, hadn't you? It's obviously beyond me. I've got more teeth than brain cells, remember? (Leaves in a huff.)-Rimmer
(After he's gone) Yes, you have.-Holly

Ah, I gotta go now, man. But let's do lunch sometime. I'll put it in my diary: 12:30, lunch with God. And, ah, formal dress, you know what I'm saying?-Cat

(VO) After intensive investigation, comma, of the markings on the alien pod, comma, it has become clear, comma, to me, comma, that we are dealing, comma, with a species of awesome intellect, colon.-Rimmer
Good. Perhaps they might be able to give you a hand with your punctuation.-Holly
Shut up.-Rimmer

Why does it have to be such a big deal? Why can't it be like, like, human beings are a planetary disease? Like the Earth's got German measles or facial herpes, right? And that's why all of the other planets give us such a wide berth. It's like, "Oh, don't go near Earth! It's got human beings on it, they're contagious!"-Lister
So you're saying, Lister, you're an intergalactic, pus-filled cold sore! At last, Lister, we agree on something.-Rimmer

From Confidence and Paranoia

Ah! Had a good day, Lister? Scrummed enough choccies? Watched enough drivel, have you? Look at you: you're turning into a sad, middle-aged woman. Next thing you know you'll be varnishing your nails and buying girdles.-Rimmer

Lister, if you were a Love Celibate like me you wouldn't have these problems.-Rimmer
Come on, Rimmer, the only reason you knocked around with those prats from the Love Celibacy Society was you could never get a date.-Lister
No, it wasn't. I happen to agree with their philosophy that love is a sickness that holds back your career and makes you want to spend all your money.-Rimmer
You could never get a date because you let your mum buy all your casual clothes.-Lister
There is nothing wrong with my casual clothes.-Rimmer
Oh, come on, Rimmer, your trousers were so short when you crossed your legs, you could see your knees.-Lister
What about Yvonne MacGruder? That was a date.-Rimmer
She'd been hit on the head by a winch, she had a concussion.-Lister
That's got nothing to do with it. She was crazy about me.-Rimmer
Oh, yeah? She kept calling you "Norman."-Lister
She still went to bed with me.-Rimmer
Yeah, because she had wonky vision and she thought you were somebody else.-Lister
Serves her right for being concussed, doesn't it?-Rimmer

Why didn't I ask her out? What's the worst she could've said?-Lister
She could've said, "No, you're a filthy, stinking, loathsome, disgusting object I wouldn't be seen dead with in a plague pit."-Rimmer
She could've said, "yes." Stranger things have happened!-Lister
Only two spring to mind, Lister: the spontaneous combustion of the Mayor of Warsaw in 1546 and that incident in 12th century Burgandy when it rained herring.-Rimmer

That's odd, Lister. According to this reading, you're clinically dead.-Rimmer
And what had happened was my confidence was just about to persuade me to ask Kochanski out and as I was walking up to her he'd go on a business trip to Hawaii or something and I'd be left with my paranoia saying, "You must be joking. She's gonna laugh in our face."-Lister

You know, sometimes, Lister, you can be quite perceptive and thought-provoking. And other times, like this, you can rant and drivel on like a complete loonie.-Rimmer

(to Holly) Why did we have to have you as the ship's computer? We'd be better off with a bucket of sheep's slop running things.-Rimmer

(To Lister) Baby, baby, what can I say? (To the others) Is he the greatest, most fantasic, most handsome guy ever, or am I insane?-Confidence
(To Confidence) You're insane.-Rimmer

Hey, now I know what the "H" stands for. "Hidiot!" Am I right? Heh heh heh!-Confidence
(to Confidence) You are treading on a very thin line, me laddo. The "H" stands for "Hologram." I happen to be dead.-Rimmer
Couldn't happen to a more deserving guy.-Confidence

From Me 2

Lister, we don't have to take this anymore. We don't have to put up with your snidey remarks, your total slobbiness, your socks that set off the sprinkler system.-Rimmer

What are you doing?-Lister
It's called "work," Lister. I didn't think you'd recognize it. W-O-R-K. It is in the dictionary.-Rimmer

(to Lister) Tee hee, hoddle, ha. Why don't you just get back into your cesspit or you won't have the energy for a full day's slob.-Rimmer

(Shouting through the wall) CAN YOU SHUT UP, RIMMER?! SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!-Rimmer #2
(To LISTER) Obviously, we have professional disagreements. But, I mean, nothing with any side to it. Nothing malicious.-Rimmer
(Shouting through the wall) SHUT UP, YA DEAD GIT!-Rimmer #2
(Getting up) Excuse me a second, Lister, will you? (He walks calmly to the door). STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, YA FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM!!!-Rimmer

(A shadow of a RIMMER #2's hand as a shadow puppet comes up on the screen. As the shadow puppet) Hello. What do you think of Arnold Rimmer? Phbbbttt! Phbbbttt! Phbbbttt! Phbbbttt! Phbbbttt!-Rimmer #2

From Kryten

Oh, speaks! And how many books have you read in your entire life? The same number as champion the wonder horse: zero!-Rimmer
I've read books.-Lister
Uh, Lister, we're not talking about books where the main character is a dog called "Ben".-Rimmer

Holly, as the Esperantinos would say, "Bonvolu alsendi la pordiston? Lausajne estas rano en mia bideo!" (Thumbs his chin at HOLLY) And I think we all know what that means.-Rimmer
Yeah, it means, "Could you send for the hall porter? There appears to be a frog in my bidet."-Holly
Is it? Well what's that one about, "Your father was a baboon's rump and your mother spent most of her life up against walls with sailors?"-Rimmer

Remember those two little brunettes from supplies? And I told them I worked in stores and they were really interested and asked me exactly what I did there.-Rimmer
And I said you were a shelf.-Lister
Exactly! And I suggested a little trip to Titan Zoo and you said, "Eww! He's taking ya home ta meet his mum already!"-Rimmer
So? They laughed!-Lister
Yes, at me! At my expense! Just don't put me down when we meet them.-Rimmer
Okay, whatcha want me to say? How do you want me to act?-Lister
I don't know. Just act with respect. For a start, don't call me "Rimmer."-Rimmer
Why not?-Lister
Because you always put the emphasis on "Rim" in "Rimmer." Makes me sound like a lavatory disinfectant.-Rimmer
Well what do you want me to call you? "Rim-MER?"-Lister
I don't know. Um, "Arnie," "Arn," uh, something with a little more... I don't know. How about "Big Man?"-Rimmer
(Sneering) "Big Man?"-Lister
Or what about the nickname I had a school?-Rimmer
What? "Bonehead?"-Lister
How did you know my nickname was "Bonehead?"-Rimmer
I was only guessing.-Lister
I didn't mean that. I meant the other one.-Rimmer
What other one?-Lister
"Ace!"-Rimmer
Get out of town! Your nickname was never "Ace!" Maybe "Ace-hole."-Lister

Our first contact with intelligent life in three million and two years and it's the android version of Norman Bates.-Rimmer

Well, Mister Arnold is my master now.-Kryten
"Mister Arnold" isn't his name. His name's "Rimmer." Or "Smeghead." Or "Dinosaur Breath" or "Molecule Mind." And on a really special occasion when you want to be really mega-polite to him, Kryten, we're talking MEGA-polite, in those exceptional circumstances, you can call him "Arse-hole."-Lister

(Flipping Rimmer the bird) Swivel on it, punk!-Kryten

From Better than Life

You've got the skutters to help you.-Lister
What? Pinky and smeggy Perky? What use are they? It's like giving Blind Pew contact lenses.-Rimmer
They only do what you tell them to.-Lister

Ah, but they don't do they? You say, "Keep an eye on that lamb," and they do. They sit there for three hours and watch it burn.-Rimmer
So. They've got no emotion have they? It's not built into their software.-Lister

Have you seen their broom cupboard? It's full of pin-ups of John Wayne. That cannot be right can it? (Indicating shoulder height) Piled this high with Film Fun magazines. It's not the way spanners behave in my book.-Rimmer

(to Lister)You send off for every bit of rubbish going, you do. Just so you'll have some mail to open.... (Silly voice) Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes that will clean even the trickiest of seabound mammals. Yes I am over eighteen, though my IQ isn't.-Rimmer

I just wanted to tell you--Rimmer's Dad
Yes?-Rimmer
I just wanted to say--Rimmer's Dad
Yes?-Rimmer
I just wanted to say-- (pause) You're a total smeghead!--Rimmer's Dad
(Looking shocked) What? This isn't my fantasy!-Rimmer
(Coming into view) No, it's mine.-Cat

From Thanks For the Memory

I can't understand it. I've had so much to drink and it hasn't even afflicted me. I'm not in the least bit tiddly.-Rimmer
Oh yeah? Why are you dancing then?-Lister
Ha! You call that dancing? I've seen people on fire move better than that!-Cat

I could never invent a sandwich like this, Lister. You see all the ingredients are wrong. The fried eggs: wrong; the chutney: wrong. The chili sauce: all wrong. But put them together and somehow it works. It becomes right. It's you -- this sandwich, Lister, is you.-Rimmer
What are you saying to me, Rimmer?-Lister
You're wrong, right? All your ingredients are wrong. You're slobby, you've got no sense of discipline, you're the only man ever to get his money back from the Odour Eater people, but people like you, don't you see? That's why you're a fried egg, chili, chutney sandwich. Now me ... now me ... All the ingredients are right. I'm disciplined, I'm organised, I'm dedicated to my career, I've always got a pen. Result? Total smeghead despised by everyone except the ship's parrot. And that's only because we haven't got one. Why? Why is that?-Rimmer
I suppose it's because you ARE a total smeghead.-Lister

That time she stuck her tongue down my ear. It wasn't my ear at all -- it was your ear. The woman I loved most in the whole world had her tongue down your ear. The most romantic thing I've ever had down my ear is a Johnson's baby bud.-Rimmer

From Stasis Leak

Thank you for travelling Xpress Lifts. We apologise for the delay.- -Lift
You should apologise for the chicken! First meal I ever had where the container tasted better than the food!-Cat

(About sharing a room with Lister) I'm sharing a bunk with a character out of a Barbara Cartland novel.-Rimmer

Everything always goes wrong for me. I'm probably the only person in the world to buy a Topic Bar without a single hazelnut in it.-Rimmer

Now kindly cluck off before I extract your giblets and shove a large seasoned onion between the lips you never kissed with.-Past Rimmer
(Apoplectic) Forget everything I've just said! You have got eight months PD!-Captain
Well, we have a bit of a problem here, don't we? 'Cos I don't take orders from poultry.-Past Rimmer

So how ya doin', kid?--Future Lister
Smeg.-Lister
(popping up behind FUTURE LISTER and KOCHANSKI) What is this, a meeting of the ugly convention?-Cat

From Queeg

(To Holly) You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.-Rimmer

(To Holly) You are a total, total... a word has yet to be invented to describe how totally whatever-it-is you are, but you are one. And a total, total one at that.-Rimmer
Alright, keep your hair on.-Holly
I'm lucky if I can keep my legs on with you in charge!-Rimmer
Yeah, he's out to lunch, man!-Cat
He's out to lunch, breakfast, dinner, tea, supper, the lot! He's not in for a single meal, if you ask me!-Rimmer

Holly's got an IQ of six thousand!-Lister
Yeah. Right on.-Holly
Is that what he told you?-Queeg -Queeg
Well, what is it, then?-Lister
It has a six in it, but it's not six thousand.-Queeg -Queeg
What is it?-Cat
Six.-Queeg -Queeg
Six? Do me a lemon! That's a poor IQ for a glass of water!-Holly

(To Lister) I can't believe I'm doin' this! Look at me, I'm disgusting! I look like you in your best clothes!-Cat

Friendship? Do you know how many people I've met in my life I could count on as friends? True friends?-Rimmer
Well, if you count Inflatable Ingrid, your Polythene Pal, one.-Lister

From Parallel Universe

(About Arnold Rimmer) If you want to keep your beer cool, stick it between his legs.-Arlene Rimmer

Lister, I'm going to bed now, by myself, on my own, alone. If she comes back, tell her I've got a headache or something.-Arnold Rimmer
Why, where's she gone?-Dave Lister
She's gone to get some sexy videos. She seems to think seeing two men together might turn me on.-Arnold Rimmer
Where are you sleeping?-Dave Lister
I'm not telling you. It's too risky.-Arnold Rimmer
C'mon, what are you, a man or a munchkin?-Dave Lister
I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!-Anold Rimmer

You pieces of filth. How could you commit an act of carnal knowledge?-Arnold Rimmer
In my bunk? On my sheets, using my springs. What could possibly have made you contemplate making love to yourself?-Arlene Rimmer
Well, why break a habit of a lifetime?-Arnold Rimmer

What colour is it supposed to turn?-Rimmer
Blue for not pregnant. Which is the colour it is going to turn.-Lister
And red for pregnant?-Rimmer
Yeah.-Lister
Come on ye reds!-Rimmer

From Backwards

(Removing the mask) But if people see my face, what are they going to think?-Kryten
Tell them you had an accident. Tell them you took your car to the crushers and forgot to get out!-Rimmer

There's nothing we CAN do until the others find us. We'd better get a job. But what jobs are there in a backwards reality for a dead hologram and an android with a head shaped like a novelty condom?-Rimmer

Three weeks we been doin' this.-Cat
Well, we'll do it 'til we find them.-Lister
(Somberly) We ain't gonna find 'em. They're gone, buddy. But look on the bright side... (Elatedly) They're GONE, buddy!-Cat

What's it say?-Cat
I dunno, it's in some weird foreign language or somethin'. "Srehtorb" -- that must be Polish or Bulgarian or somethin'.-Lister
You speak Bulgarian?-Cat
Bulgarian? Please, I hardly speak English.-Lister

From Marooned

Twenty-four thousand!? And you had the front to borrow money off me to buy me a birthday present?-Lister
It was only fifteen quid.-Rimmer
Right. Fifteen quid. And what did I get? A five-quid book token.-Lister
Those card's aren't free, you know. I had to fork out for that as well.-Rimmer
And you never paid me back. You're tighter than an Italian waiter's keks.-Lister

Look, if you get curry all over them, how's that going to look? What's Lieutenant-General Baron Jaquinaux of the First Cavalry Division supposed to be doing with meat vindaloo all over his tunic?-Rimmer
It'll make him look more authentic. People'll think he's got dysentry.-Lister

Because, believe it or not, Lister, he told me that, in a past incarnation, I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.-Rimmer
Do you know something? I believe you.-Lister
He didn't say that I was Alexander himself, which is obviously what I wanted to hear. But it explained everything: I'd lived a previous life alongside one of the greatest generals in history. No wonder the military's in my blood.-Rimmer
No wonder you're such a good singer.-Lister
Well, maybe it's rot, I don't know. But it's funny -- to this day, I can't look at a pair of nutcrackers without wincing. And why is it, whenever I'm with a large group of women, I have this overwhelming urge to bathe them in warm olive oil?-Rimmer
I have that urge, Rimmer. It's got nothing to do with past lives.-Lister

Are you trying to say I've got a big bum?-Lister
Big? It's like two badly-parked Volkswagens. The only things I ever lost when I was twelve were my shoes with the compass in the heel and the animal tracks on the soles. Porky Roebuck threw them in the septic tank behind the sports ground. I cried for weeks -- I was wearing them. I never even thought about sex when I was twelve.-Rimmer
Maybe that's because you used to be Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.-Lister

Kryten, would you get the hacksaw and follow me?-Rimmer
Where are we going?-Kryten
We're going to do to Lister what Alexander the Great once did to me.-Rimmer



If you have any particular insults that you would like to add to this list, send it (properly and accurately dictated) along with the episode title to Sierra "The Riviera" Rein, at: srein@ucla.edu

Want more? Go to Sierra'sSmegginsults Page TWO!